oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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