Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
