somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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