I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
