I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
