Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Randomize
