Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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