Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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