we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
