I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
