I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
he just fucked me for my cheese.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
