Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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