I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
