I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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