So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
