the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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