i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
