that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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