Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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