I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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