So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
