So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
