exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
