just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
