Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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