just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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