I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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