be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
