So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
