Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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