I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
