see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
50% drunk capacity currently
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
