One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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