when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
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