I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
