Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
