i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
where are my eyebrows?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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