i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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