I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
