I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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