we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Randomize
