I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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