Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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