God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
