You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
