We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
