Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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