She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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