Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
