my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
