She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
