Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
