The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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