There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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